Oh to the new age of dating, it’s unlikely to find anyone now days who hasn’t dabbled on Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Soul Swipe (tinder version of blackpeoplemeet.com), OkCupid, Match… whatever meets your fancy, there is an app for that. But like most things online, you have to shuffle through the bullshit to find out who someone “really is”. Don’t get me wrong, I think most people make up small lies about themselves to seem more appealing but the problem is when people create entirely new identities that are a complete 180 from who are really are. We would hate for any of you to be catfished or end up wasting your time and energy with a weirdo. Below are the cyber traits we’ve learned to physically run from when meeting people online. Whether you’re looking for your “soul mate” or your “one night only” below can help you locate and avoid the con artists on your path. (Must click photos for reference)
The following examples featured in this post are fictional. Any resemblance to any real people, living or dead is purely coincidental and are not screenshots from real life swiping. If you see anyone you know, advise them to step their game up.
- Guys who fake being single but post pictures with their wedding ring on: Sir, if you choose to lie about your relationship status, please try not to post evidence of the contrary.
- Guys with have no pictures at all: This is creepy. It’s 2016. You are using a device with a camera on it, no matter where you are. If you aren’t, this might sound bougie but, we can’t date. Be blessed.
- Men with more photoshop than Kim K.: #Fail to the men posing like they are on the cover of a GQ magazine but wouldn’t make it to their high school newsletter. You might be in Los Angeles where the limited water use but now the lack of water has everyone thirsty enough to believe they’re a model, actor, rapper and singer. We will leave this subject for another piece. Basically, no actor headshots.
- Guys who post naked pictures on their profile: Unless you’re on a beach, just jumping out of the pool, you posting topless pictures of yourself is creepy, especially when it’s in front of the dirty mirror in your bathroom. Have some self respect. Who would wanna wife that…that ain’t bae material.
- Guys who take pictures with cats: Maybe we’re just bias but that’s gross, not sure why it’s gross but a grown man taking a picture rubbing a cat just reminds me of “ Dr Evil” in Austin Powers. Cats are gross. Sorry, now I think you are too.
- Guys who look 50 years old but profile says their 27: If I wanted to date men as old as my father, I would just attend his high school reunion. (This is a single opinion because one of us may prefer people’s fathers.). There is nothing appropriate about removing 20 years off your age, especially when you give it away after one look.
- Guys who say they are honest, which normally means the opposite: If you have to tell me your honest, genuine, selfless, funny… I don’t believe you. Maya Angelou would say “show me” who you are and I will believe you. Tell me what people would say about you when you’re not in the room.
- Men who say they love “intellectual convos”, not sure what other conversations they’re having: You enjoy intellectual convos so much that you choose to tell me. If you have to point out that you enjoy intellectual conversations, you are not having them. My apologies. If you have to boast about loving conversations that entice your brain, they don’t happen frequently. You know what intellectual humans call intellectual convos? Conversations.
- Guys who love the football team and claim that’s their alma mater: Many of us have access to sports stores and online stores that sell college gear. Some of us have the privilege of attending and/or graduating from a college who sports teams actually wins, and some of us default to school spirit. It is more than awkward when someone purchases a hoodie, wears it and then claims to have graduated from said school. Be honest. At this point, no one is looking for a background check… just your car facts.
- Guys who misspell four letter words, three letter words and two letter words: Is it wrong to assume that people can spell? We aren’t looking for scholars (Lies, I’m looking for my Martin, Luther and King), but is it too much to expect, that someone can describe themselves without misspelling one syllable words? If you can’t pick and choose the sentence structure that you are most comfortable with and the top twenty words you know to describe yourself, we… I really mean “You” my brother have a problem.
- Guys who says they’re a philanthropist, CEO, self-employed but can’t give you any details: Everyone who sells CDs and DVDs out of the trunk of their car at the beauty shop is not a CEO and just because you gave the church a five-dollar bill last Sunday, does not make you a philanthropist. Please find the correct adjective to describe your side hustle.
And Honorable Mentions just because…